I sing I swim

I am allowed to have days where I am totally selfish, melodramatic and over indulgent.
It's good for me.

I am not an artist. I am someone who draws.

We had our end of college exhibition yesterday.
Everyone was dressed up and I was necking free wine and in overdrive because I'm like a puppy when I first meet people, which is a bit pathetic really.
And everytime someone went near my work I thought I was going to be sick.
And a couple of times I had to reign myself in from crying.

My entire life I thought I was good at art. It's soul crushing to realise you've wasted two years trying to do it at a more professional level, only to realise you're no good.

The saddest thing was people didn't have the decency to lie. They could have at least said "it's good". They didn't have to skirt around saying "that's interesting".

I've always though artists were pretentious. I only wanted to draw and write. Somehow I went off track.

He didn't understand when I came home and cried until I was nearly sick.

I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now.

"Thinspiration"

How does this picture make you feel?
Shocked?
Disgusted?
Jealous?
Indifferent?
Inferior?

I know there are a lot of women and girls out there who would answer "jealous" or "inferior" that the girls in this image are something to aspire to. A lot who would consider this image to be inspiration for thinness or "thinspiration" as it is often referred to.
For me this image threw up a lot of conflicting feelings and I ended up staring at it for a long time.
It's not the popular model Abbey Lee in the foreground, staring provocatively at the camera that grabbed me, but more the model behind her, whose mind looks as if to be far away. Abbey Lee is slim sure, but nothing unnatural or forced, a lot of women are her size naturally. The model behind her though, looks nothing short of starved.
I am not here to judge. I'm not going to parade around saying starving yourself is wrong and that looking to these models for inspiration is immoral, or that the models themselves are bad role models. Nor am I saying it is right, and that manifesting low self esteem in what is effectively mutilation is a healthy thing to do.
Personally, I can see both sides of the argument. As a child I was a horrendously picky eater, I didn't eat a great deal, not even as a baby. Throughout my entire primary school years I looked underfed, pale skin, twig like limbs, dark eyes. In my early teens I began to eat a lot more but became aware of eating disorders and media influence. By 15 I was depressed and self medicated with starvation, alcohol, drugs, sex and self mutilation, nothing extreme, I was always conscious of hiding these things, but enough to make a difference. By 17 I was a lot more confident and self accepting, I still had self destructive hiccups, but I was generally a lot more of a positive person. I was also infatuated with food. Cooking often and eating whatever I wanted, although my obsessive tendencies towards food often manifested themselves in the form of being a health obsessive. Then I got approached by a modelling agency.
Modelling was something I'd wanted to do since a child, not because of seeing beautiful women and media influences, but because being a tall and skinny child, people were often telling me I should model. Throughout my early teens I was approached several times by top agencies but nothing came of it. This time was different, after going to a test shoot I was put on their books. I sort of went into overdrive. Thinking I was now under pressure to constantly look good the cycle of food obsession quickly began. Breaking down from the pressure that was purely put on me by myself I began to breakdown often. When I got my photos back from my portfolio shots I shoved them in a draw and vowed never to look at them again.
Now I feel I may be ready. Whilst at first the concotion of imagery like the above, self doubt and other feelings sent me into a wobbly and I was triggered again a little, I brought myself back around. Now I ask the question, why do images like this make me think I need to be like this? Because I don't, I think I know that deep down.

Like a lot of people, I am not immune to the pressures of a industry full of over edited images. I just try and keep a level head.

Got Milk?

Ok, so I am lying in bed with my laptop, still drunk from the previous night. This is an odd experience, as I don't usually drink. I cant stand "drinking culture" and bars, and drunk people, it all seems really strange, but anyway, last night I succumbed to the liquids. This totally wasnt even what I wanted to post about.

I have written another article for Mookychick.co.uk (cue applause), it's about the dairy industry, not in depth, but it's aimed at people with no knowledge of industry. You can read it here:

http://mookychick.co.uk/body/vegetarian/got-milk-vegan-vs-dairy.php

Glee

I am completely aware the vast majority of people I know think Glee is terrible, but it's the only tv show I watch, and it makes me dance around and sing! Lame? Who cares!

Vegan Breakfasts!

I love Sunday mornings on my own (or when the Mr is asleep), I can put on some old school reggae and cook up a storm!

Cinnamon Pancakes with Soy Raspberry Iceream and Pineapple!

Use a standard pancake recipe such as one found here and just smother in icecream, fruit, maple syrup, whatever you fancy! Goes really well with coffee.

Rainbow Veggie and Tofu Scramble

This is a recipe I made up myself based on several other ones I've found in books in the past. You can add elements, take away elements,

Ingredients:
2 Slices of toast
Soy "cream cheese"
1 Baby leek
1 Floret of broccoli
1 Spring onion
1 Tomato
1 Stick of celery
Tofu (as much or little as you want)
a handful of sprouting seeds (such as aduki or mung bean)
1 tbsp Soy sauce
1 tsp Turmeric
Salt and pepper

Method
Cut all veg into smallish chunks.

Add the broccoli and leek to a small amount of boiling water, boil for 3 mins, then immerse into cold water to stop cooking, put to one side.

Squeeze tofu to drain excess water and crumble into a frying pan, add turmeric and soy sauce and fry for 5 mins, stirring regularly.

Add all veg (except tomato and sprouting seeds) into the pan with the tofu, and fry for another minute.

Spread the cream cheese onto the toast and cut both pieces in half, add the veg and tofu mix, add the tomato and sprouting seeds and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste.

Playlist
No Sunday is complete without some old school reggae tunes to dance to while you cook! Here are my suggestions.

Desmond Dekker - Isrealites

Jimmy Cliff- You Can Get It If You Really Want

Toots and the Maytals - Pressure Drop

Toots and the Maytals - 54-46 Was My Number

Musial Youth - Pass The Dutchie

Dandy Livingstone - Rudy, A Message To You

10 Tips For Surviving Veganism

I wrote an article for Mookychick.co.uk about "Surviving Veganism".
You can read it here:

http://mookychick.co.uk/body/vegetarian/surviving-veganism.php