I sing I swim

I am allowed to have days where I am totally selfish, melodramatic and over indulgent.
It's good for me.

I am not an artist. I am someone who draws.

We had our end of college exhibition yesterday.
Everyone was dressed up and I was necking free wine and in overdrive because I'm like a puppy when I first meet people, which is a bit pathetic really.
And everytime someone went near my work I thought I was going to be sick.
And a couple of times I had to reign myself in from crying.

My entire life I thought I was good at art. It's soul crushing to realise you've wasted two years trying to do it at a more professional level, only to realise you're no good.

The saddest thing was people didn't have the decency to lie. They could have at least said "it's good". They didn't have to skirt around saying "that's interesting".

I've always though artists were pretentious. I only wanted to draw and write. Somehow I went off track.

He didn't understand when I came home and cried until I was nearly sick.

I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now.

"Thinspiration"

How does this picture make you feel?
Shocked?
Disgusted?
Jealous?
Indifferent?
Inferior?

I know there are a lot of women and girls out there who would answer "jealous" or "inferior" that the girls in this image are something to aspire to. A lot who would consider this image to be inspiration for thinness or "thinspiration" as it is often referred to.
For me this image threw up a lot of conflicting feelings and I ended up staring at it for a long time.
It's not the popular model Abbey Lee in the foreground, staring provocatively at the camera that grabbed me, but more the model behind her, whose mind looks as if to be far away. Abbey Lee is slim sure, but nothing unnatural or forced, a lot of women are her size naturally. The model behind her though, looks nothing short of starved.
I am not here to judge. I'm not going to parade around saying starving yourself is wrong and that looking to these models for inspiration is immoral, or that the models themselves are bad role models. Nor am I saying it is right, and that manifesting low self esteem in what is effectively mutilation is a healthy thing to do.
Personally, I can see both sides of the argument. As a child I was a horrendously picky eater, I didn't eat a great deal, not even as a baby. Throughout my entire primary school years I looked underfed, pale skin, twig like limbs, dark eyes. In my early teens I began to eat a lot more but became aware of eating disorders and media influence. By 15 I was depressed and self medicated with starvation, alcohol, drugs, sex and self mutilation, nothing extreme, I was always conscious of hiding these things, but enough to make a difference. By 17 I was a lot more confident and self accepting, I still had self destructive hiccups, but I was generally a lot more of a positive person. I was also infatuated with food. Cooking often and eating whatever I wanted, although my obsessive tendencies towards food often manifested themselves in the form of being a health obsessive. Then I got approached by a modelling agency.
Modelling was something I'd wanted to do since a child, not because of seeing beautiful women and media influences, but because being a tall and skinny child, people were often telling me I should model. Throughout my early teens I was approached several times by top agencies but nothing came of it. This time was different, after going to a test shoot I was put on their books. I sort of went into overdrive. Thinking I was now under pressure to constantly look good the cycle of food obsession quickly began. Breaking down from the pressure that was purely put on me by myself I began to breakdown often. When I got my photos back from my portfolio shots I shoved them in a draw and vowed never to look at them again.
Now I feel I may be ready. Whilst at first the concotion of imagery like the above, self doubt and other feelings sent me into a wobbly and I was triggered again a little, I brought myself back around. Now I ask the question, why do images like this make me think I need to be like this? Because I don't, I think I know that deep down.

Like a lot of people, I am not immune to the pressures of a industry full of over edited images. I just try and keep a level head.

Got Milk?

Ok, so I am lying in bed with my laptop, still drunk from the previous night. This is an odd experience, as I don't usually drink. I cant stand "drinking culture" and bars, and drunk people, it all seems really strange, but anyway, last night I succumbed to the liquids. This totally wasnt even what I wanted to post about.

I have written another article for Mookychick.co.uk (cue applause), it's about the dairy industry, not in depth, but it's aimed at people with no knowledge of industry. You can read it here:

http://mookychick.co.uk/body/vegetarian/got-milk-vegan-vs-dairy.php

Glee

I am completely aware the vast majority of people I know think Glee is terrible, but it's the only tv show I watch, and it makes me dance around and sing! Lame? Who cares!

Vegan Breakfasts!

I love Sunday mornings on my own (or when the Mr is asleep), I can put on some old school reggae and cook up a storm!

Cinnamon Pancakes with Soy Raspberry Iceream and Pineapple!

Use a standard pancake recipe such as one found here and just smother in icecream, fruit, maple syrup, whatever you fancy! Goes really well with coffee.

Rainbow Veggie and Tofu Scramble

This is a recipe I made up myself based on several other ones I've found in books in the past. You can add elements, take away elements,

Ingredients:
2 Slices of toast
Soy "cream cheese"
1 Baby leek
1 Floret of broccoli
1 Spring onion
1 Tomato
1 Stick of celery
Tofu (as much or little as you want)
a handful of sprouting seeds (such as aduki or mung bean)
1 tbsp Soy sauce
1 tsp Turmeric
Salt and pepper

Method
Cut all veg into smallish chunks.

Add the broccoli and leek to a small amount of boiling water, boil for 3 mins, then immerse into cold water to stop cooking, put to one side.

Squeeze tofu to drain excess water and crumble into a frying pan, add turmeric and soy sauce and fry for 5 mins, stirring regularly.

Add all veg (except tomato and sprouting seeds) into the pan with the tofu, and fry for another minute.

Spread the cream cheese onto the toast and cut both pieces in half, add the veg and tofu mix, add the tomato and sprouting seeds and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste.

Playlist
No Sunday is complete without some old school reggae tunes to dance to while you cook! Here are my suggestions.

Desmond Dekker - Isrealites

Jimmy Cliff- You Can Get It If You Really Want

Toots and the Maytals - Pressure Drop

Toots and the Maytals - 54-46 Was My Number

Musial Youth - Pass The Dutchie

Dandy Livingstone - Rudy, A Message To You

10 Tips For Surviving Veganism

I wrote an article for Mookychick.co.uk about "Surviving Veganism".
You can read it here:

http://mookychick.co.uk/body/vegetarian/surviving-veganism.php

Cute People with Ugly People.

Def Poetry to soothe the soul!

Sarah Kay's "B"

Poetri's "Dating Myself."

Also, you should probably get some Clipper Nettle and Lemon Tea.

ABC's For Roger.

I found this via Chicken Soup For The Dorky Soul (blog) .
I found this poem to be so full of life, it was envigorating and made me even more determined that I should keep going the way I am, trying to do my bit, that there is suffering and it needs to be put to an end. That this age of apathy must come to an end.
Watch it, and think.

Feel the mattress tense beneath me.

Ironically, since I have decided to go on to do a degree in Creative Writing and not art, I have really gotten back into art, although this is probably since I feel relieved of pressure, it's become more of a joy than a chore again.

I have started using my Deviant Art account again, although at the moment it's just some of my photos, college work and album art for a friend, I hope to get more illustration up soon. I'm really not a photographer, I just have a good eye for composition. Although I really do find pictures of roses to be cliche and overdone, here is my latest photo for my college work, I really love the overkill of pink and the composition of the polka dot table cloth.

You can find my current art at : http://coffee-lung.deviantart.com
And some of my older art at: http://rencaterpillargirl.deviantart.com/

Scrape you're knee it's only skin, makes the sounds of violins.

*Grumble* My wisdom teeth are coming through and it feels like there are tiny drills in my mouth. Darn teeth, they're not making me any wiser!!

Very excited. Joanna Newsom has a new album out called "Have One On Me.", although I am slightly dubious as the title would lead me to believe she is moving into a more mainstream route instead of her haunting, cat voiced, ethereal folk routes. I read today that the album is something like 2 hours long stretched over three discs, this seems pretty promising to me, as it is supposedly filled with some longer songs than that of "The Milk Eyed Mender", which was brilliant in it's own right, but it's the longer songs such as "Only Skin" of "Y's" which still captivate me. Her lyrics are poetic majesty mixed in with her brilliantly arranged songs that create a whimsical musical landscape.

When I'm tired.

When I'm tired my knees really hurt. My knees have been hurting for 5 days now. I keep waking up in the night thinking it's morning. You'd think I'm anxious about something, but I'm really not. I'm up and down a lot.


Here's what I wore today. Pretty casual. Just me having fun in the library.

Also, definitely listen to this song.

Too Drunk To Fuck.

Obsessive Compulsive Nightmare.

I cannot live in all this shit and dirt and mess.
But I'm too in love with everything to do anything about anything.

I need some sunshine.

And a room nicely organised by grid method.

Art, Nudes and Nantes.

Hoorah hoorah, college has finally become interesting.
I am first and foremost an illustrator, but I am dipping my toe in the pretentious pool of fine art and loving it. I am going to make body casts of women's torsos. I completely adore the female form and it's the only way I can make a project based on scupture and 3D interesting. I can't wait to start working on it! Also, tomorrow we have a full day of life drawing, which is pretty much my idea of a brilliant day. Coffee, iPod in and sketching for a whole day. Lush.

Here is a song makes me fall over myself with love for it.

The garden that you planted.

So, we've had some snow, and I had to leave college early (I wish that made a change from usual) before the trains stopped running just before lunch. We're meant to have a lot more snow, and I honestly really wish I could get excited about it but I hate that feeling of being shut off from everyone, most of my friends are a car ride away and The Boy is a train ride away. Oh wah woe is me.

Just a couple of photos I took a while back.

Magic.

So, I found this a while ago on a site I totally had forgotten ever existed (http://www.booooooom.com). For the first time in ages I was swept up in that kind of childlike magic that I used to be consumed with when I played Let's Pretend for days on end. Like this one time, I must have been about 10, it was the summer and my friend's mum had to work each day, so my friend would come and stay for the day, although sometimes she's stay for nights too, nights and nights. We'd pretend we were fairies, for six whole weeks. It was magic. I think I actually started to believe I was a fairy. I'm getting off subject. The point is, this website started a project to get people making forts, like I'm sure we all did when we were kids. The forts are inspired by the beautifully aestheticly filmed Where The Wild Things Are. Here are just a few of my favourites: